


Seizhi Schwan's Third Worst Halloween

by CountDorku



Category: Chuubo's Marvelous Wish-Granting Engine (RPG)
Genre: Fear, Funny, Gay Male Character, Halloween, Implied Relationships, M/M, Noodle Incidents, Oblivious Chuubo, Pining, Snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-07 21:36:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21224588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CountDorku/pseuds/CountDorku
Summary: After last year's fiasco, Seizhi wants a nice, quiet Halloween with no - OK, with a _minimum_ of supernatural evil, and preferably no zombies. Unfortunately, Rinley chose the venue. And then things got weird.





	Seizhi Schwan's Third Worst Halloween

“Of course,” said Seizhi Schwan sarcastically. “The graveyard at midnight is super awesome and not creepy at all, let’s go there.”

Chuubo raised his hands defensively. “Look, you wanted a Halloween that wasn’t like last year’s. Nothing wish-y, no zombies, just hanging out and having a good time!”

“In a graveyard at midnight! What would be wrong with just, you know, trick or treating like normal kids? Why something so over-the-top and elaborate-” In a moment of perfect, horrifying clarity, Seizhi knew what was going on. “This was Rinley’s idea, wasn’t it?”

“She…may have suggested something along these lines, but I think we can, you know, make it our own.”

Seizhi pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed heavily. “All right. _But-_” he held up a hand – “first, _no wishing_. Not for anything. Second, we’re getting Leonardo in. If this does end up like last year, we’ll need someone to deal with, you know, everything, and while he’s…” He paused for a moment to find a word to describe Leonardo that wasn’t _ass_. “…passionate about his ideas, if anything goes wrong, he’s more like to fix it than, say, Rinley.” (Although, to be fair, _anyone_ was more likely to fix it than Rinley.)

Chuubo smiled that dreamy smile that always made Seizhi’s heart and stomach swap places, and said, “Sure, we can invite Leo.” He winked. “Sure you don’t just want him there so you can spend some time with him?”

It was just so perfectly Chuubo that he’d managed to pick up on literally everything about Seizhi’s orientation except for one key detail. So perfectly, agonisingly Chuubo.

“Quite sure.”

***

“The incomparable Leonardo de Montreal has no interest in participating in your quotidian harvest festival rituals,” proclaimed the incomparable Leonardo de Montreal, “particularly not ones involving the insufferable child.” The intended bombast was rather undercut because Leonardo had clearly been working all night, with the curtains drawn, and he kept squinting at the daylight like an elderly bat.

“It’s not about ritual, it’s about safety.” That was a good opening gambit. Leonardo would eat hot coals rather than admit it, and indeed had on at least two occasions, but he was really invested in saving people. Of course, Chuubo thought it was because Leonardo was A Good Sort Deep Down, and Seizhi thought it was because he wouldn’t have anyone to yell at if everyone died. “After that…you know, the thing that happened last year, I think it’s best to ensure that Halloween doesn’t end in zombies again.” Now to bait the hook. “Of course, if you can’t handle it, I guess we’ll have to rely on rock salt and running for Natalia’s house again.”

Leonardo looked like he’d swallowed an entire pack of gum at once without removing the packaging, and Seizhi allowed himself a tight smile. The nightmare scientist was surprisingly easy to tweak: the slightest jab at his ego, and he folded so easily origami masters would accuse you of cheating.

“As it happens,” hissed Leonardo, “the graveyard on Halloween is an excellent opportunity to harvest raw materials from the ambient supernaturalism and malignity. Should events begin unfolding in such an…unfortunate direction, I should be available to intercede. However, I am there for my purposes, not yours. I want that on record.”

Seizhi nodded and scribbled in a notepad. It _actually_ said ‘I AM PRETENDING TO CARE’ but the Schwan family handwriting was bad enough that he could believably claim it said anything. “All right, Leonardo. See you there. Good luck with your harvest.”

Leonardo’s complaint that the incomparable Leonardo de Montreal did not need _luck_ faded into the distance as Seizhi headed off.

***

Halloween night. The graveyard.

About half of the usual gang was here: Chuubo had draped an unconvincing white sheet over himself and cut some eye holes (Seizhi had already disentangled him from it twice), Natalia was in a meticulous recreation of 15th-century Wallachian noble garb but with a set of jarringly incongruous plastic fangs, Seizhi had gone for green face paint and bolts sticking out of his neck just for the irony of it, and Rinley…well, there seemed to be an unofficial agreement that whoever asked Rinley what she was dressed as first would Lose. Lose what, Seizhi wasn’t sure. Maybe that was another part of the game.

Seizhi took a bite out of another muffin. Natalia had handled most of the snacks, and they tasted it: technically perfect, but without any flourishes of individuality. The kind of food you would get if you could accurately measure each ingredient to the microgram, and then did.

By mutual agreement, Natalia was not required to tell a scary story. So far, Chuubo had related the story from a scary comic in his collection, and now Rinley, resplendent in her business suit, antennae and claws, was midway through an elaborate tale involving reverse Frankensteins that made no sense to anyone but her.

A distended, bird-like face loomed into view, and Seizhi’s pulse rate shot up…but hang on, that was a very familiar lab coat the apparition was wearing.

“I assure you that this mask is a requirement for my current project,” said Leonardo, his voice muffled by the plague doctor construction he was wearing. “Its utility as a Halloween costume is simply an unfortunate coincidence.”

“Leo! You made it!” Chuubo stood up, his sheet shifting again. “Seizhi really wanted you to come.” Seizhi just knew Chuubo was winking under there, although of course by this stage Chuubo’s eye holes were low enough that his nose was sticking out of one.

“In the hope of keeping everyone safe from you, child.” Leonardo scanned the group, and did a double take upon seeing Rinley. “Merciless pits of the void…Yatskaya. Did you come to this occasion as the crab that you told me once turned into an encyclopaedia salesman?”

“I asked and he gave me permission!” proclaimed Rinley from within her absurdity, and Leonardo tried his best to bury his face in his hands without taking off his mask. “I was wondering when someone would get it and nobody did!”

Leonardo’s voice was as cold and level as a frozen lake as he said, “Have you inflicted that particular anecdote upon anyone besides me?”

“I don’t see how that’s relevant?”

And then everything went to hell.

The graveyard was bathed in a hellish red light, and a deep, malevolent voice boomed, “FOOLISH MORTALS. YOU SEEK TO LAUGH IN THE FACE OF FEAR? FEAR – TRUE FEAR – IS NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOU.”

As the world vanished, the last sound anyone heard was Leonardo’s voice saying, “Chuubo, if this is your doing, I will strangle you myself-”

***

Seizhi ran through the streets of Horizon, lit by a dead red sun. The mob was at his tail. He tried a door handle, then another. No results. He’d blown his cover – he wasn’t even sure how – and now everybody knew he wasn’t technically real.

He burst around a corner, heading for Casa Schwan…but it was gone. A completely incongruous frozen yoghurt store sat where his house once was, a CLOSED sign hanging on the door.

Oh, well, any port in a storm. Covering his face with his arms, Seizhi leaped at the shop’s window…

…and found himself back outside. However, this one was different somehow. It was still red-lit, still architecturally a nightmare of overdone Gothicity…but the feeling of oppressive dread that had hounded him through the streets was gone, and he couldn’t even hear the mob.

Scanning the streets, Seizhi noticed each of the buildings had a sign on it, each, naturally, in almost unreadable pseudo-medieval font. Luckily, the only way to make something unreadable to a Schwan was to use a language they didn’t speak. SPIDERS, read one. PUBLIC SPEAKING. One with IRONICALLY, UNREADABLE SIGNS was stuck on a building that looked like nothing so much as Count Dracula’s garden shed; the sign, however ironic it may be, was physically larger than the building.

He turned to check the building he had just come out of. The sign said it was REJECTION, and Seizhi gave a morbid chuckle. Yep. That’d fit. Clearly True Fear believed in specialisation.

Gravel crunched behind him, and he ducked behind Unreadable Signs as a black sedan pulled up. The driver, a freakishly emaciated _thing_ with a single glowing eye in the middle of its face, began pulling itself out of the vehicle and complaining about traffic in a voice like a snarling wolf. It walked off, and Seizhi permitted himself another tight smile. For whatever reason…the _thing_ had forgotten to take its keys.

***

Seizhi studied the controls of the car with the air of Horatio Hornblower being asked to fly the Space Shuttle. He could do this, he knew he could do this. He won the big go-kart race, he could drive a car!

…Yeah, that was the sound of a reality check coming up zero. Oh well.

He revved the engine, threw the car into the wrong gear, started the wipers for good measure, and pushed down the accelerator pedal on the second try. The vehicle surged ahead, its wild, barely controlled movements a decent metaphor for Seizhi’s own mental state.

The others had to be here somewhere. He just needed to find the right building…

Up ahead was one where the sign was just a row of question marks. That sounded like Leonardo. There was no way The Incomparable Leonardo de Montreal would settle for a mundane fear like spiders or public speaking. Maybe unreadable signs, though.

As Seizhi tried to angle the car towards the door of the ?????? Building, it skidded out of control and smashed through the door of the next building along.

The sign above the building, reading FAILURE, began twisting to one side, eventually coming to rest at a thirty-degree angle.

***

Leonardo de Montreal bowed his head under the weight of his sins, the ragged wound in his chest burning like a caged fire. He was on his hands and knees in a blood-tinged nightmare, the Red World reaching out, everything that remained food for its hungers.

_You failed_, it said. _All your workings, all your sacrifices, for what? For the laughter of the void._ _Everything you have done…for nothing. And for all your pride, you are no more than any other mortal._

“I am not done yet, beast,” snarled Leonardo, and a flame-red light began to glow on his back, smoke curling toward the sky…

There was a loud crashing sound, and the Red World gave way to reveal a terrified-looking Seizhi Schwan, sitting in the driver’s seat of a somewhat battered black sedan.

Huh.

***

“So you’re afraid of…dim red light?”

“Shut up.”

“All I’m saying is, I would’ve expected some cosmic horror whose name can’t be pronounced without six mouths, not…like, someone putting red dye in the fog machine.”

“Shut up.”

“Would you mind doing something about your lab coat? I’d prefer it if you didn’t smoke in the car.”

“Shut up.”

To be fair, Seizhi was beginning to run out of clever one-liners to throw at Leonardo anyway. He fired up the engine. “If I’m being honest, I was actually trying to get into the building next door – the one with the sign that’s just a typewritten shrug. I figured you were probably in there.”

“That is likely Yatskaya,” said Leonardo, and his eyes narrowed. “I dread to think what unnameable horrors are required to penetrate the layers of delusion and insanity surrounding that twisted mind.”

“Yeah, it was pretty bad,” said Rinley from the back seat, at which point Seizhi nearly had a heart attack and Leonardo nearly had a stroke.

Gasping for air, Leonardo managed, “How did you get out?”

Rinley shrugged. “I got bored.” There was a click. “Also, you guys should probably buckle up. Seat belts save lives. I remember one time I used one to defeat-”

“NO.” Leonardo’s eyes were beginning to look a little wild. “Do not torment us with your stories, Yatskaya. Our first concern must be to locate the others and escape.”

“You sure you don’t want to hear it? You’re in it!”

Leonardo visibly shuddered. “That only makes the torment worse.” He gestured to Seizhi. “Drive like your sanity depends on it, Schwan – _because mine does_.”

***

Natalia pressed herself against the door, a radiant light shining in underneath. On the other side…

On the other side was all that she could not endure. A lapse in vigilance, a moment of doubt, and it could all happen again. Only with discipline could she fend it off.

The voice of Jasper Irinka came from the other side of the door. “Natalia, are you home? I have to talk to you about something very important! I l-”

Natalia moved as swiftly and silently as a hunting snake. If she didn’t hear it, she didn’t have to deal with it. She narrowed her eyes, picking out the weaknesses in the surface, calculating the best place to strike…

Wood splintered, and she stared through the hole in the wall at a battered black car, the driver’s seat occupied by, of all people, Seizhi Schwan.

***

“Okay, yes,” said Seizhi from the back seat, as the car pulled away, the sign reading HOPE still visible in the rear-view mirror. “Natalia is a better driver than me. In my defence, she is also better at almost everything else than everyone.”

“You did well, _Lebed_.” Natalia wasn’t delivering a compliment, exactly; she was stating a fact that happened to be complimentary. She used exactly the same tone of voice for dressings down. Emoting wasn’t her strong suit. “You had no training. And you are not quite fifteen.”

There was a clattering sound, and Rinley said, “That was probably one of the headlights you broke.”

Leonardo clapped his hands together. “Well, this seems like an optimal time to depart-”

“Not without Chuubo,” said Seizhi, his voice like steel. “He has to be around here somewhere.”

“_Lebed. _You know him better than any of us.” Natalia’s tone still hadn’t changed. “If anyone can determine his deepest fear, it is you.”

“It’s never come up! I don’t pry. Isn’t that, on some level, how it works for all of us? We don’t pry, and in return, nobody else does either.” He looked across the back seat. “All of us except Rinley, anyway.”

“We’re here, by the way,” said Rinley, and pointed.

The sign above the building said TRUTH.

“Well, that’s not disconcerting at _all_,” said Seizhi.

Natalia’s brow furrowed slightly. It was the most emotion Seizhi had seen from her all day. “It seems extremely disconcerting to – ah. Sarcasm.”

***

_someone is going to find out_, whispered the black fog. _you can’t keep it under wraps forever._

The small group picked their way through the smoke, teeth set. Rinley was humming, apparently in the hope of drowning out the whispers. It wasn’t working.

_you can only keep a secret for so long._

Still, they were getting closer to the heart of the mist.

_he's never going to be close to you in the way you want._

“I don’t care,” muttered Seizhi.

For some reason, he thought he heard Leonardo muttering the same thing…but that was a question for another time.

The mist parted, and Seizhi darted forward to his best friend’s side.

Chuubo was curled up in a heap. His eyes opened, and for a split second, Seizhi thought he saw slits…but no, those were Chuubo’s eyes, as deep and dark as ever. “Seizhi?”

“It’s OK, Chuubo. It’s OK. I’m here.” He draped one of Chuubo’s arms over his shoulder and forced himself upright. Chuubo felt strangely lifeless, like a sack of potatoes. “We’re gonna get you out of here, and everything will be OK.”

“I didn’t wish for this, Seizhi. It wasn’t me.”

“I know, Chuubo. Come on. Let’s get going.”

***

As they continued their circuit, the buildings fell away to reveal a wall of black stone, interrupted by a bulky wrought-iron gate.

Seizhi felt what happened next more than he saw or heard it. That said, there was still plenty to see: a shimmering crimson rift burst to life on the other side of the gate, and the gate itself flew open, a black rider on a silver motorcycle bursting through.

Natalia slammed on the brakes, and the battered sedan came to a stop mere inches from the motorcycle. The rider didn’t even flinch, cocking their head as if to study the car’s residents.

“Ah. You did quite well by yourselves.” The voice was calm, controlled, and gave away almost nothing, especially combined with the thick black jacket and face-concealing helmet visor. Seizhi would have said the voice was contralto; someone else might have said countertenor.

Seizhi suppressed a shiver. This could only be the Angel. Stories had been circulating about them for a while, but Seizhi had always affected an attitude of scorn. It seemed more…real, somehow, to not believe in magical bikers who ran around solving problems. So much for that plan.

The helmet nodded. “To have escaped the Torments of Terror by yourselves…no mean feat. I shall watch your careers with great interest.” They gestured to the portal. “That is a topic for another day, though. For now, Halloween night draws to its close. Come through, quickly. Leave this place to its own devices.”

***

Back in the domain of fear, a freakishly emaciated creature with a single glowing eye dropped its cup, spilling molten basalt onto the pavement.

“Sa’a Lingurth on a bike. What the Heaven happened to my car?!”

**Author's Note:**

> I know my Seizhi Schwan is a bit more sarcastic than the standard, but I think it works okay.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Rinley Yatskaya Makes An Answer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21406333) by [EagleOfTheNinth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EagleOfTheNinth/pseuds/EagleOfTheNinth)


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